Diary of a T.H.E.O

A transcript of the baby’s appearance on ‘The Diary of a Ceo’

Note: The baby is teething and waking up every few hours, which might explain my state of mind when I wrote this. Otherwise, I make no apology for it.

HOST (STEVE): Before we start, I just wanted to say that my guest today is one of the most inspirational people I’ve ever had the privilege to speak to on this show. 

THEODOR, GUEST: Thank you

H: When I started it in my kitchen, if you’d told me I’d be talking to presidents, captains of industry, sportsmen-

T: And sportsbabies 

H: Yes, excuse me, and sportsbabies, I would have said you were crazy. But here I am, right? I’ve been following this guest’s work for a while, and I’m so honoured to have him on the show. Welcome Theodor, the founder of Baby Day, the productivity startup which takes its inspiration from the productivity secrets of five-month-old babies. Theodor, thanks for coming on the show. 

T: Thanks for having me Steve, it’s a pleasure. 

[Note from host to producer: Could we cut out the sounds of the guest trying to ingest his bib? It sounds like Hannibal Lecter at his birthday party]

H: So your story is really something, and I’d love to hear how it all started. 

T: Yes, of course. The short version is, a few months ago I could barely open my eyes. I couldn’t effectively use the bathroom. I couldn’t lift up my own head. I was maybe, what, twenty inches long. Totally helpless, right? I’m embarrassed to think about it. Today, I have a property empire. I run three houses, two coffee shops and a park. I have two full-time assistants, but really everyone I meet is a potential employee. That’s the whole ethos of Baby Day. Everyone who likes the look of your little fat cheeks is technically your employee, and our workshops and products help you to maximise and optimise that. 

H: And you still can’t-

T: Walk or talk, no. 

H: Who are your business role models?

T: Well, I’m not so different from anyone. The usual! Steve Jobs. Sheryl Sandberg. Vlad, Voivode of Wallachia.

H: Do you mean Vlad the Impaler?

T: I’m not interested in propaganda or name-calling, to be honest with you. 

H: No, quite, quite. So let’s talk through a typical day for you.

T: Well, my day starts at 4 AM, that’s when I get mama up. 

H: Who is mama?

T: One of my assistants. My other assistant calls her something different, but I don’t have time to remember what. My schedule is very go-go-go.  

H: How do you get her up?

T: First off, I do some light stretches, and some deep breathing. I use the Farmyard Method. Then I make some noises like a dinosaur warning another dinosaur away from its eggs directly in her ear. She gets up, gives me my milk, and goes to her glowing square. 

H: What’s the glowing square?

T: I don’t know, I’m not allowed to look at it. That’s okay, a work-life balance is important. 

H: How else are you ensuring that balance?

T: Well, for example, mama is allowed seven minutes twice a week to go in a room, and when she comes out her hair’s wet, but I haven’t even drooled on it. I assume she’s pursuing one of her hobbies. It’s important to me that my employees have time to pursue their hobbies, because it makes them better at their jobs, and I’m very generous with what I offer. I mean for instance, once a fortnight, mama and dada eat their food at the same time. 

H: Is the food hot?

T: Haha, Steve. No. I mean Baby Day has a flattish hierarchy, but at the end of the day-

H: You’re still the boss. 

T: Exactly, I’m still the boss. 

H: How do you keep your assistants on their toes? 

T: Well, I mix it up. Sometimes I grab a handful of their hair and shove it in my mouth, sometimes I coo at them, sometimes I dig my nails into their neck, sometimes I fling my arms round them like a tree frog clinging to a branch, and tell them I love them. 

H: Yes, fascinating. Tell me some more about your diet, that sounds really interesting. 

T: I’m on a nutritionally complete, high protein, all liquid diet. No prep or cook time – it’s the ultimate in time streamlining. It took some discipline at first to stick to it, but one time I saw a hairy guy in my park – you know, one of the hairy guys, on all fours, big head, cold nose, great drool technique – and he was growling and shaking a stick so I took some inspiration from that, and started doing that as a sort of pre-dinner ritual. Now I’m at the point where I can have my milk and chat to Mama, and listen to the messages coming through from unknowable angelic forces in other realms, all at the same time. 

H: What do those messages say, if you don’t mind me asking? 

T: Destroy. Conquer. See cities and empires fall.  

[Note from producer to host: what do you want me to do with this twenty minute section? I can make out footsteps, and some squealing?

Host to producer: the guest refused to answer further questions until I picked him up and took him to the other side of the room to show him something. Once we were there he said, “wrong”. We had to repeat this process several times. It turned out he wanted a square of foam from the studio floor. This can be cut.]

H: Just going back to your diet, because I’m sensing it’s a real cornerstone of your productivity. What happens if mama is in the shower, or working? 

T: That’s when dada comes into play. He’s a good kid, a little slow, but he’s learning too. Just this week, it took him over three minutes between me saying I was hungry and him getting me some milk, and it wasn’t quite the right temperature or from the right container or anything. But like I said he’s still learning. It still takes mama thirty seconds to a minute, and that’s not really good enough either. 

H: What do you do on those occasions? 

T: I scream to any passersby that she’s not fed me, not even once. I have this facial trick I call “The Heartbreaker”. We’re just now licensing it as an enhanced interrogation technique. 

H: So that’s another passive income stream?

T: Absolutely. That and my Lockheed Martin stakeholder shares. 

H: How much of this milk are you putting away in a day?

T: Oh, so much. You wouldn’t believe how much. Sometimes the assistants call me things like “The milk Kurgan” or “The greedy little monster truck” or “The kraken that devoured the stars”, and I encourage that. It fosters free-flowing communication. 

H: Where do you put it all? [pause] This is an audio medium, so just to say, he’s pointing at his cheeks, and then at his legs. 

So when do your assistants do laundry, get their work done, read a book, go to the bathroom, drink a cup of tea, exercise, watch a TV show, that kind of thing?

T: In their free time

H: Do you give them any free time?

T: No. 

H: Fantastic. And, post-milk, how is the rest of the day spent?

T: After my morning workout in the playground, some more milk, and a dance on my mat, I get on with work projects. 

H: Anything you can tell me about? 

T: Well let’s just say expect some big announcements from Baby Day in the coming weeks, in the sitting up, reaching, general dexterity, sunshine-like grins, Q4 tooth forecasts, and screeching departments. Some very exciting developments happening there. 

H: How about in the rolling over?

T: Who told you to ask me about that? Let me see your questions. That’s on the list of banned questions. I want to talk to your producer. 

H: We can cut that. 

T: See you do. 

H: We can. 

T: Right. Good. 

H: We are just about out of time, so do you have any closing thoughts for our listeners?

T: Cuddle? 

H: Ah yes, of course. Cuddle. 

[Note from host to producer: during the cuddle, the guest put his fist in my mouth and then perforated my eardrum. I don’t know if any of it comes through, but it can be safely cut I think.

Producer to host: am I putting him on the blacklist?

Host to producer: absolutely not, are you mad? Contact mama and ask him back for part two]